advertisingwithoutpity

When brands say shit that just isn't true

I saw an atrocious ad for Seiko the other day on the tube. According to their website:

Seiko has launched an exciting global advertising campaign supporting our commitment to "innovation and refinement." Innovation as the world's leader in timepiece technology and refinement with newly styled collections.

I'd say it's exciting all right, but only in its ability to take inane to a new level. The main premise of the work is this: "It's your watch that tells most about who you are." Really? I did not know this.

The ad itself seems to be a SNL-type parody. First we see a model wearing some ridiculous outfit; she explains that "it's not the clothes." We then see a man on top of a plateau, with headphones in his ears. "It's not the music," he says. And then we see some tool on top of a mountain, who tells us that "it's not your favorite color." Finally, cue the voice of the British-accented woman, who explains that "it's the watch that tells most about who you are"--delivered with an air of European superiority that Americans have come to love and embrace.

I don't know who's behind this work. Searches on Adweek and AdAge proved fruitless and I didn't have time to try Google. Methinks it could be from the same folks who brought us the sadder than sad "Gorgeous" work for Jaguar.

If you know who's responsible, please fill me in.

In the meantime, I'm going out to get myself a new timepiece.

Typepad, don't make me hurt you.

Sorry, but my blogging provider has decided to crap out on me in a big way. Hope to be fully operational in the near future.

AWP

Yahoo! states the obvious

I love NOW

Today I'd like to give props to the powers that be for putting me on the earth in the computer age. Had I been born, say, in the 50s, I'm not sure I'd be having nearly as much fun as I am now. The thought of playing with toy trains, lincoln logs, or, god forbid, playing with anything outside, just makes me ill. Modern toys are just so much cooler.

The beauty of living in the world today is that we get to see stuff like this (Barney Gone Wild). And we don't even have to get off our butts to enjoy it. Technology makes me happy.

Butt Shine Wins Mini

Congrats to Butler Shine & Stern for pulling off the victory in the MINI pitch, which seems like it lasted forever. That's a big win for the Sausalito (aka Sausagelibido) shop. Kudos to Greg and Ed and the rest of the gang down there. You've got your work cut out for you.

Whilst BSS might have been my sentimental favorite, I'll have to admit that I didn't pick them to pull it off and felt like one of the New York independents—either StrawberryFrog or Mother—was going to emerge victorious. But now I'm starting to feel like Strawberry Mother is overhyped. Mother has done one or two good things, but Strawberry Frog NYC ain't done shit.

Anybody have a client like this?

Ogilvy was wrong

I'm in a grumpy mood today, so try to bear with me as I enjoy this rant.

One of the most uber-famous lines in all of advertising is Ogilvy's oft-quoted comment on the intelligence of consumers: "The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife."

Now my wife certainly isn't a moron. In fact, she's smarter than I am, so for me this quote holds true.

But no doubt Ogilvy's comment was meant for a broader audience. Do not dumb down your work, he argues. Abstain from working toward the lowest common denominator. Aim high.  Americans deserve and appreicate wit and intelligence of the highest order.

Ideally, I'd love for this to be true, but for a moment I beg to differ. Here's why.

1) Americans aren't that smart. We are isolated, selfish, ignorant and stupid. Only 5% of us have passports. 51% of us voted for George Bush. 12% of us have had our bank accounts liquidated through Nigerian email scams.

2) I've been to a lot of focus groups. A lot. When you ask people which ads they like, they will inevitably tell you that their favorites are the dumbest fucking ads in the world. "Oh I just love that Daisy sour cream commercial! A dollup! A dollup!" or "That commercial when the dog bites that guy in the crotch is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life! The first time I saw it I nearly wet myself!"

3) I've watched a lot of TV with my family. They have nothing to do with advertising. They are just plain, normal God-fearing folk. Unbeknownst to them, however, I've been spying on them as they watch ads to see what they're digging. And wouldn't you fuckin' know it—it's the worst shit on TV! If I had a nickel for every time my mother called up and said something like, "I just saw the best commercial on TV. Are you gellin'? I'm gellin' like Magellan! Ha!"

Based on these simple, yet highly scientific observations, I can only conclude that David Ogilvy, in fact, was a moron.

Dumb is the new black. You heard it here first.

What does your tagline say about you?

Taglines used to mean something. Or at least that's how I remember it. The best ones communicated an ethos (Just do it), a clear positioning (Drivers wanted) or just a cool fuckin' idea based on a consumer insight (got milk?).

Today, everybody has taglines, but 95% of them are meaningless drivel. It's pathetic.

To prove this out I surveyed the ads in the latest issue of Wired. Here's a collection of the turds I discovered.

Panasonic. Ideas for life. (This could be a tagline for any company in any category.)
Hitachi. Inspire the Next. (Huh? The next what?)
Mercury. New Doors Opened. (I have no idea what this means, even after reading the ad.)
Sanyo. Changing your wireless world. (Yawn.)
Fujitsu. The possibilities are infinite. (I don't give a shit.)
Epson. Exceed your vision. (Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it.)
Shure. It's your sound.
Logitech. Designed to move you.

I'm sure many of these lines were labored over. And that's a shame. In the end, either you should have a tagline that clearly communicates what your brand is all about or you shouldn't have one at all.

Either that, or the industry should put together a tagline review board, chaired by yours truly.

Don't be a heartless asshole. Buy my cheese.

I was flipping through a magazine the other day and did a double take when I saw this ad. At first I thought the headline must be some kind of an inside joke within the cheese industry, a piece of jargon de fromage with which I was unfamiliar. But the more I looked at it, the more I became certain that this was done in earnest, that Cabot wants me to buy their cheese because this elderly cheese farmer is begging me to do so. Not sure if I've ever seen an advertiser resort so blatantly to GUILT as a communications strategy.

I do, in fact, feel sorry for this man, but only because of his outfit. Quite tragic.

Some Random Facts about Chuck Norris

 

- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

- When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

- Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

- Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

- Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

- Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

- Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.  Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh away.

- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

- Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

- Chuck Norris doesn't actually have a beard. What we perceive as a sexy and rugged man-beard is actually just Chuck Norris' skin. Legend has it that if Chuck Norris actually grew a beard, every woman in the world would simultaneously orgasm, thus destroying the Earth. Chuck Norris isn't sure if that's true, but he thinks we're better safe than sorry.

- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesomeness for a single show, however, so it was divided.

- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.